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fanfic: Comfort - athene
fanfic: Comfort

Title: Comfort
Author: Athene
Fandom: Primeval
Pairing/characters: Connor/Nick (Connor/Becker implied)
Rating: 18
Warnings: Language, smut, abusive relationship, dub-con (borderline non-con).
Spoilers: none
Disclaimer: Not mine. ITV and Impossible Pictures own them.
Word count: approx 1600
Summary: “I can’t do this any more.”
AN: Follows on from The Substitute, Need, The New Order, The Next Roll of the Dice, Secrets and Lies, and Tangled Webs.
AN2: If you haven’t already read the previous part, Need, now might be the time to do so. It’s sort of a background to this part.



            Cutter had already been drinking when Connor arrived. The smell of scotch was on his breath and Connor’s stomach twisted as he went in and hung his jacket up. Sometimes it was easier when Cutter had been drinking. He could convince himself that the alcohol was to blame for what happened, even though he knew that was a big pile of shit.

            Connor followed Cutter through to the living room and sat down next to him on the sofa. There was an empty glass ready and waiting for him on the coffee table, but for once Connor ignored it. He hoped he wouldn’t need the alcohol to get him through the night this time.

            “Cutter, we need to talk.”

            There was no response, and Connor forced himself to look up from where he was staring at the empty glass. Cutter’s gaze was unfocussed and he gave no indication he had even heard Connor speak.

            “Cutter, please listen to me. I can’t do this any more.”

            At that Cutter did look up at him, and Connor almost flinched away from the look of anger in Cutter’s eye. 

            “So why the hell did you come here?”

            “I wanted to talk to you. I couldn’t just abandon you. I’m sorry, I really am. But I just can’t...”

            “So fuck off and leave me alone then.” Cutter reached for his glass and downed it, and then filled it up again from the bottle on the table.

            Connor rubbed his hands on his trousers and tried to remember everything that he had been rehearsing for days.

            “I want to help you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I hoped, you know, with enough time, it might get better. But it’s not getting better. And what we do... it’s not helping, is it?”

            Connor wondered if Cutter even guessed at the lie hidden there. Connor had wanted to help, yes, but he had always wanted so much more than that.

            “So why now?” Cutter said without meeting Connor’s eye.

            Connor shrugged, but it was tense, nervous gesture. He had no answer that he was willing to voice to Cutter.

            Neither of them spoke for a long time, and Connor got more and more tense. He realised he was twisting his trousers in his fists to stop his hands from fidgeting.

            “Stay,” Cutter said abruptly.

            Connor met his eye for only the second time since he had arrived, and the look he saw in Cutter’s face nearly broke him all over again, as it did every time. Without Stephen, Cutter was lost, and Connor knew that no matter what he did he would never be able to fix that.

            He nodded. “I’m here. I’m always here for you.”

            Cutter’s gaze seemed to soften a fraction.

            “Yes, you are. Thank you, Connor.”

            Connor tried to smile, but he wasn’t certain he quite managed it. Cutter leaned towards him and cupped Connors face in his hand, gently stroking the line of his cheekbone with his thumb. Connor closed his eyes and breathed deeply. This was what he had been unable to explain to Becker. These were the moments that made him stay when he knew he should have walked away long ago, for both their sakes. These were the moments when he dared to believe that one day Cutter might feel something for him, might see him as more than just a lesser substitute for Stephen.

            “You’re a good man, Connor. Not sure I deserve you.” Cutter’s voice was rough, but there was a hint of real affection there and Connor clung to that, and tried to preserve this moment in his memory.

            All too soon Cutter let go and there was the sound of glass chinking on glass again. Connor opened his eyes and saw that Cutter had poured scotch into Connor’s glass as well. He still wasn’t sure he wanted any tonight, but he accepted it and sipped a little as Cutter finished another glassful and refilled it again.

            Connor worried when Cutter drank this much. He didn’t say anything, though. The last time he had tried to take the bottle away the bruise hadn’t faded for nearly a fortnight. Cutter had been suitably contrite afterwards when he realised he had lashed out, but Connor had no desire for a repeat performance, no matter how much Cutter apologised.

            They sat there side by side, the silence only broken by the occasional chink of glass, time marked by the level of liquid left in the bottle. Connor wished he could find the right words to break the quiet, but every time he got as far as opening his mouth he abruptly closed it again.

            Eventually Connor tentatively suggested, “I think that’s enough. Maybe it’s time you went to bed.”

            Cutter hesitated, and then nodded. “Maybe you’re right,” he said.

            Cutter stood up but wobbled precariously for a moment. Connor leapt up and grabbed him until he was steady.

            “Come on. Let’s get you upstairs.”

            Cutter nodded and looped his arm around Connor’s shoulders as they made their way up to the bedroom. Once there Connor sat him down on the edge of the bed and helped him get his shoes and shirt off. He knew Cutter was capable of doing it himself, he wasn’t that far gone, and he could handle his drink far better than most people, but Connor was almost on automatic pilot, looking after Cutter even when the man didn’t want to admit that he needed to be looked after. When Cutter was down to just his boxers Connor gently pushed him to lie down and then he turned to leave.

            Cutter’s hand caught his wrist. “Connor, where are you going?”

            “To sleep on the sofa. I’ll be here if you need anything, just downstairs.”

            Cutter’s fingers held on and the man looked up at him with pleading eyes. “Please, don’t leave me.”

            Connor hesitated for a moment as a thousand options flitted through his mind. Then he sighed and nodded. Cutter let go and Connor moved around the bed and took his shoes off and lay down next to Cutter, still fully clothed.

            He knew it was stupid. He knew it was sending the wrong signals after the conversation earlier. He tried to tell himself it was just to keep Cutter company until he fell asleep. Then he could go downstairs and sleep on the sofa, just in case he needed to be here, and slip out in the morning before Cutter woke up. 

            Cutter rolled closer and his arm wrapped around Connor’s chest. Connor forced himself to relax. There was nothing wrong with a comfort cuddle. It was fine.

            He had almost convinced himself that Cutter was going to sleep when Cutter’s hand slipped under his t-shirt.

            Connor immediately tensed. He pushed at Cutter’s arm to stop him, but Cutter either ignored him or misinterpreted what he wanted, because he started trying to get the button on Connor’s trousers undone.

            “Cutter, please. Don-”

            “Need you, Connor.”

            Connor screwed his eyes shut as his thoughts became tangled with indecision. Cutter’s lips pressed against his, stifling any thought of protest, and his fingers worked Connor’s trousers open and started to tug them down. Cutter made an angry sound when he couldn’t get Connor’s trousers off, and without thinking Connor lifted his hips until Cutter achieved his objective. As soon as he did it, Connor hated himself. Hated that when it came down to it he couldn’t bring himself to deny Cutter his moment of comfort, no matter how much it hurt.

He’s just forgotten that I said no.

            He couldn’t hate Cutter, even now. Not when he looked into the older man’s eyes and saw the pain, the loss, the anger, and the desperation there.

            Stupid. My fault. I should have picked a night when he wasn’t drunk.  

            Cutter pushed Connor’s t-shirt up until it rucked up under his arms. A hand on his hip turned him over onto his front.

            Just this once. Next time it’ll be different. Next time I’ll make him understand.

            “Need you, Connor. You’re a good man.”

            This is the last time.

            Cutter’s barely lubricated cock pushed at him, and Connor forced himself to relax. Controlling hands settled just above his hips, holding him down.

            This will help him. He’ll be better tomorrow because of this.

            The entry was painful, and Connor couldn’t stop himself squirming. Cutter’s fingers dug in harder, hard enough to leave marks, and all his weight pinned Connor to the bed beneath him, preventing movement. Connor bit down on the whimper that tried to escape.

            I can’t leave him. I can’t risk what he might do to himself.

“Need you.”

            Please stop saying that.

            Cutter’s cock dragged as he thrust. Connor buried his face into the pillow and kept his eyes closed.

            It’ll be over soon.


            Cutter thrust hard and Connor felt a burst of pain. His brain started to disconnect, to be elsewhere until this was over. It was the only self defence that he had left.

            Connor didn’t react when Cutter’s thumbs dug into his back, pressing against the bruises that were already there.

            He didn’t react to the sharp pain when fingernails broke the skin.

            He remained as passive as possible when Cutter thrust harder and harder.

            He only came back to himself when Cutter gasped and pulsed within him, crying out Stephen’s name as he did so.

            That was when Connor’s tears finally started to come.           


Tags: , , , ,
Current Mood: anxious anxious

42 comments or Leave a comment
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lukadreaming From: lukadreaming Date: April 19th, 2009 04:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Meep! That's so sad and scary and fucked-up . . . Awesome story and I snivelled at the last but one line! *Huggles Connor*
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 05:16 pm (UTC) (Link)
That's so sad and scary and fucked-up

That's pretty much what I was aiming for, so yey, I suppose.

*passes tissues*
telperion_15 From: telperion_15 Date: April 19th, 2009 04:59 pm (UTC) (Link)

That was so gloriously and heartbreaking angsty, and...and...oh, Connor... *huggles him very very very tight*

These were the moments that made him stay when he knew he should have walked away long ago, for both their sakes. These were the moments when he dared to believe that one day Cutter might feel something for him, might see him as more than just a lesser substitute for Stephen.

*wails more*

It's just so hearbreaking...and I love it...
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hands over entire box of tissues*

These were the moments that made him stay when he knew he should have walked away long ago, for both their sakes. These were the moments when he dared to believe that one day Cutter might feel something for him, might see him as more than just a lesser substitute for Stephen.

*wails more*

I'm really happy that you quoted that bit, because when I was writing it that was one of the paragraphs that I was most pleased with in terms of the relationship angst and what's going on in Connor's head.

I can't believe how difficult it was to write this part, though. It was just really hard to get these two into that situation, because normally for me Nick/Connor means angsty fluff, not violence and near-rape. I'm really not sure it worked 100%, but I think it got to a point where I couldn't do anything else with it without scrapping the lot and doing a complete re-write.
reggietate From: reggietate Date: April 19th, 2009 05:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh. Fuck. Poor Connor... and poor Cutter, too. Please let him come to his senses and realise what he's doing to Connor before it's too late.
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 05:27 pm (UTC) (Link)
*pets Reggie*

Sorry. I didn't think you'd be a fan of what I was doing to Cutter in this. They are both completely screwed up, and they've got themselves into a cycle of anger and grief and violence. The real problem was still trying to retain a sympathetic characterisation of Cutter, despite what he's doing. Fingers crossed it came across okay.
partofthequeue2 From: partofthequeue2 Date: April 19th, 2009 05:21 pm (UTC) (Link)
I keep reading this and forgetting to tell you how much I love it.

I mean, you've completely twisted and perverted Nick/Connor, and pushed dub-con to the extreme, whilst still remaining in it's boundaries, but the Becker/Connor stuff is wonderful.

I'm kind of hoping the next chapter will contain Becker taking Connor in his big manly arms and giving him a hug :D
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
thanks, glad you like the series. I wasn't sure quite whether this one crossed the line between dub-con and non-con, hence the warning covering all bases. But yeah, totally twisted Nick/Connor on itself. There will be more Connor/Becker after this, I just felt that it was necessary to show what was going on in Connor's *other* relationship.
(Deleted comment)
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
They're all far too pretty when they're broken. Especially Connor.

But never fear, Becker will be back in the next part.
fredbassett From: fredbassett Date: April 19th, 2009 05:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Very painful, in more ways than one!

Poor Connor, poor Cutter, and poor Becker. The lad doesn't know what he's got himself caught up in, does he?
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 05:35 pm (UTC) (Link)
I think I broke Connor. Can I have another one, please?

The poor boys are all very pretty when when they're messed up and angsty. I know you wanted all the gory details, and I suspect that wasn't gory detailed *enough* for you, but it was as much as I was able to write for these two.
sunsets_dinos From: sunsets_dinos Date: April 19th, 2009 05:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
Do you have any idea how much I love you for writing this? It has everything I adore in fics. It's hot, it's twisted it has an incredibly intoxicating amount of angst on so many different levels: Cutter's pain over losing Stephen, his pain over hurting Connor, Connor's hopeless longing and the way he simply can't bring himself to leave, and Becker's surprised need. I'm simply in love with all of this. This chapter was particularly awesome. That slow progression from innocent comfort to brutal sex was breathtaking. The way Connor tried to convince himself Cutter wasn't to blame, and I think it's easy to understand how he can do that, because really, I can't bring myself to hate him either, he's just broken and lost after Stephen's death. I absolutely love Connor's thoughts too... "Please stop saying that" broke me, that was so very powerful... I'm so happy you posted again, I was just about to reread what you wrote so far because I had such a need for this series. :) I can't wait for more.
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 06:19 pm (UTC) (Link)
wow, thanks. You know, this conmment has made me so happy, because I was having massive angst about writing this ever since I realised that I needed to write a chapter about Connor and Cutter. Connor isn't stupid, he wouldn't stay in a relationship like that unless he was hanging onto some hope that Cutter might change his behaviour. But in the meantime it's just getting worse and harder for Connor to deal with, espeically now he's tried to say no and it hasn't worked.
bigtitch From: bigtitch Date: April 19th, 2009 05:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
*wimpers and hides behind the sofa*
This is just so messed up. But you can't help pity Cutter even with what he's doing to Connor.
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 06:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Yep, messed up and nasty. But I'm glad you still feel some sympathy for Cutter, I didn't want to accidentally turn him into a stereotyped abusive bad guy.
mysteriousaliwz From: mysteriousaliwz Date: April 19th, 2009 06:07 pm (UTC) (Link)

This is heartbreaking.
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 06:22 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry, they're just a bit broken right now.
talliw From: talliw Date: April 19th, 2009 07:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
Angst, pain and broken hope.

That's series is great. You don't have to worry about the right balance.
You wrote Cutter completely believable.
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 08:30 pm (UTC) (Link)
thanks, that's good to hear. I'm glad Cutter is still believable, even in these extreme circumstances.

Angst, pain and broken hope.

Yep, pretty much sums it up.
verito295 From: verito295 Date: April 19th, 2009 07:52 pm (UTC) (Link)
*whimpers* Oh Connor!
*huggles him and Nick too because oh Nick!*
What is with today and angst!?
You made me nearly cry and Telperion is killing me and all *pouts*
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 08:34 pm (UTC) (Link)
Sorry, there does seem to be a lot of angst flying around today. They are both very broken, Nick just as much as Connor really. I didn't meant to break them this badly when i started a little bit of Connor/Becker smut, honest.
sadera992 From: sadera992 Date: April 19th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC) (Link)
shocking and all too realistic.

i don't normally read nc-17 stuff, but i'm putting up with the smut because i love the storyline so much!

poor deluded connor thinking it will pay off in the end because deep down cutter loves him. and cutter not noticing the ain he's causing because of his own grief. beautifully painful
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 08:37 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. You're right - Connor is deluding himself, because he cares about Cutter too much to want to walk away. And now Becker is getting dragged in as well because he's starting to care for Connor. It can't possibly end well for any of them.

i don't normally read nc-17 stuff, but i'm putting up with the smut because i love the storyline so much!

Thank you, that's a great compliment, especially considering how much smut there is in this seris.
jaynedoll From: jaynedoll Date: April 19th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
They're both so heartbreakingly, beautifully broken. That Cutter tries to be tender to Connor but on some level recognises what's he's doing is wrong/selfish and that Connor wants to help but can't stop letting himself be abused. Poor boys. I hope Becker has some stern words with Cutter and sorts things out.
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 19th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC) (Link)
Thanks. the boys are very messed up, and you're right, on some level they goth know that what they are doing is not helping, but it's become too hard to try to stop. They're both kind of hoping the other one will be the one to stop it.
fififolle From: fififolle Date: April 19th, 2009 11:13 pm (UTC) (Link)
Oh god. No. This is briliantly awful. Connor! No... *meep* Jeez... What NOW?? :)
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 20th, 2009 07:05 pm (UTC) (Link)
Meep indeed. Poor Connor is in far too deep, and has no idea how to get out any more.
simallyher From: simallyher Date: April 20th, 2009 10:08 am (UTC) (Link)
Becker has to get through to Connor some how...I really really hate Cutter. Connor needs some love, lots of it!
deinonychus_1 From: deinonychus_1 Date: April 20th, 2009 07:09 pm (UTC) (Link)
don't hate Cutter, he's just very, very messed up over Stephen and everything else. Undoubtedly what he's doing is terrible, but in some ways they're both as much to blame as each other for letting it get so far.

But yeah, Connor defintely needs some proper love and huggles.
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